When I started this blog almost a year ago, it was a space for me to write freely, honestly and, with complete ownership. For the most part, I’ve done so, but there’s always a part of me that thinks maybe I’m telling too much of my business.
The thing is, I’m an open book. I don’t mind sharing my life experiences because they are what make me human. There’s nothing new under the sun so I know what I go through is not tailored specifically for me. Some people may think I have life good because of what they see but it’s the furthest thing from the truth. Trust, I just choose to not be defined by what I go through.
Life is good, but it’s also a balancing act. Not only are we balancing work, family, and our personal lives, but we’re also juggling the feelings associated with all. I may be having a tough and emotional time with family but I love going to work. For me, compartmentalizing is key. And I've learned to do it in a way that doesn't affect the people around me nor does it affect my ability to show up authentically. I have to admit that this skill took years to master and I couldn't have gotten here without therapy. That's right. t h e r a p y
Today is World Mental Health Day so I want to share my journey to uninterrupted and progressive peace. I have to smile because I could finally say and actually feel like I'm at peace at this moment in my life.
I'm fully embracing it because I know things could change in the blink of an eye.
Two years ago I started therapy with three goals in mind: To work through my mommy issues, to find the strength to leave a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship, and to understand who Keva is and what she wants out of this life.
Let me tell you it's been quite a ride. What I learned sent me through waves of emotions from self-hate to unconditional self-love with tons of grace in between.
Here are some takeaways I got from therapy.
I was made aware of my inner child and how I'm always trying to show up for her
I am a true empath
Boundaries are key for my personality type
Should statements influence the way I lived my life
The inner child work was very new to me and it was somewhat of an epiphany when I realized that we truly are the sum of our childhood experiences. For some reason, I kinda just thought referring to someone's childhood was a way to dodge accountability. Because, of course, just blame an adult's behavior on the child they were. But, it is true to some extent.
I'm a middle child and have always done exceptionally well. I was the child nobody had to worry about and the same way, nobody worried about me. I knew I was loved but I didn't have a special connection with any one parent or grandparent nor did anyone pay special attention to my wants or needs. As far as everyone was concerned, Keva was a good child. I made near-perfect grades, had solid friends, and made good decisions. Perfect me. No one but my friends knew how sensitive and emotional I was. And that's why my friendships are placed on the same pedestal as my familial relationship. My friends are chosen and they know and love me as I am. I could write about my friends all day so I'll move on. What I needed from my family, specifically my mom was some individualized attention. Truthfully, I was more than my grades and my ability to complete household chores timely. However, I've learned to give her some grace because she raised four children on her own and I'll never understand what that's like.
What I do know, is that in adulthood, I've always searched for some sort of acceptance or nurturing that little Keev wanted but could not get. That resulted in failed relationships and overachievement with a terrible case of imposter syndrome🥴. I'm doing better y'all.
Even though I knew I was an empath, through therapy I truly understood what it meant for me. I've always wondered why I don't or can't hate anyone lol. I always chalk it up to "they're going through something, that has nothing to do with me and that's why they treat me that way" I mean I love it and I hate it because people have really done some fucked up shit to me--taking my kindness for weakness.
I care a lot and I love hard. To be honest, my ability to be thoughtful and show concern probably makes people love me. I don't know, life is already hard as it is and I just want people to always be good. If I can, I'll do something to make anyone's day whether it's buying lunch, reaching out for a wellness check, running an errand, or doing a favor. I love my people fr fr. Lol
However, my personality type definitely makes me attract abusers, manipulators, and the psychology buzzword, narcissists.
Without much explanation, my loving nature gives those people exactly what they crave, validation of their sense of self and role-play into their weird-ass God complex.
I'm learning to protect myself now though!
Boundaries are key. People will take from you if you let them. I'm not ashamed to say that I've been a victim. However, I've learned those behaviors and now act accordingly when faced with them. As much as I'm an empath, I am now the first person to receive the benefits of my empathy. I think of myself and how I'd feel before others. If I have the emotional capacity to extend, then I will. It has brought me so much peace. I don't allow people the access they don't deserve and I let people and situations go before they affect my physical and mental well-being.
My therapist and I spent several weeks on boundaries. I'm glad that I did the work and have successfully executed some of the practices.
I also have to mention that this work on boundaries allowed me to regulate my feelings as well. I now have the emotional intelligence to remove myself from situations that don't serve me and be able to remain detached if my intuition tells me so. As I mentioned earlier, I don't hate people. Even the ones who hurt or upset me. I don't hold grudges either. Those emotions do absolutely nothing for me. I know I don't do wrong to people and my intentions are never disingenuous so I have no room for negative emotions. Where there's room to hold a grudge, I insert a boundary instead.
Lastly, the should statements. If you have time, look it up. In a nutshell, should statements are negative thinking patterns that really make you put pressure on yourself. For example, I used to say, "I should have known better" or "I should be further along by now." These thoughts cause anxiety and contribute to guilt and shame. Now, I give myself all the grace I deserve to make mistakes, and learn from them, even if I make the same ones twice. I'm only human and we're all trying to figure out this one earthly life we have.
My second tattoo which I got in college (2010) says "Dei Gratia." It's the Latin translation of "By the Grace of God." I think about it so much now because literally, it's by the grace of God, I'm still here and of sound mind. I know people who have gone through similar things I have and weren't able to bounce back as I did and I do not take that for granted. So with that, I give myself enduring grace.
I also don't let my fear of the future unknown or overachievement control me. No longer do I exist in spaces of "I should be married," or "I should be further along in my career," because I've accepted that I am exactly where I should be at this moment in time. No pressure at alllllll ❤️
In February of this year, I took a break from therapy. I felt like I needed time to see if what I learned was working and I wanted the space to hold myself accountable. Needless to say, I'm proud of the work I put in because it reflects in who I am today.
Just last month, I contemplated if I wanted a new therapist or if I wanted to resume my standing sessions. I wanted to be able to be "new" to someone and start from a blank slate simply because I feel like a new person or at least that I'm so different now. However, I just didn't want to have to explain myself all over again. I was also afraid that maybe my previous therapist wouldn't have seen changes at all, but then how would I be able to gauge my progress from a professional's POV.
I went back with my old therapist and I'm so happy I did. After a session catching up she reassured me that I am conducting the real-world application of what I learned. I knew it. I feel it. I've come a long way but I think therapy is a journey and I still have more work to do.
I'm pretty sure in some interpretations of the yin-yang theory there has to have some reference to the mind and the body, for one can't truly work without the other in perfect health.
I started working out and eating cleaner earlier this year to get healthier as I approach my 30th birthday. You know they say, as you turn 30, body parts start aching for no reason at all. I haven't led the healthiest lifestyle since I graduated high school and I wanted a change. Another blog post on this is forthcoming but I wanted to share how a change in diet and an active lifestyle has truly added to what therapy has done for me.
I'm sure there's some scientific explanation for this that includes endorphins but I don't feel like doing the research. I just feel so good after working out, even when it hurts so bad lol. And the way my mind is so clear, I really don't know how I hadn't gotten into this sooner. I'm shy of a year in but I'm so happy I've consciously decided to make this lifestyle change. It really starts with your mind, and then your body follows. I actually think if I hadn't gone to therapy a year prior, I wouldn't have been in a space mentally, to consider this type of change. Look at how things come full circle 🥹.
I think everybody should go to therapy. You may think your mental health is fine because you're seemingly doing ok, but we all have things we could work on whether we know it or not. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better.
I have two sidebars and I'll let you go.
One. My first introduction to therapy was in 2016 when I first moved to St. Thomas. You can read about that journey in an older entry. I was living with my sister in her small one-bedroom apartment. I had no vehicle and the island was completely new to me. I did, however, love my job but at that time, it wasn't enough and I wasn't ok. One day as my sister was driving me to work, I just started crying uncontrollably and for what seemed like no reason at all. She didn't even know what do to or what to ask.
What she did was drive me right to the office of a psychologist in Yacht Haven. She made me get out of the car and go in. We were greeted by the owner of the practice and here's what she told the lady doc. "This is my sister. She just moved here and she's staying with me. I think something is wrong because she just started crying on her way to work and I don't know why or what to do. I think she needs to talk to someone. Can you help her?"
Let me tell you that was one of the best things she did for me. I spent the next couple of months in therapy and it shifted my whole perspective of needing and getting help. I'm grateful that she kinda forced me and even more so that I was open to it.
Two. This was another blog entry I never finished or published so some of the language may seem repetitive. I think it still deserves a read.
I was recently listening to Whitney Houston’s Greatest Love of All and it spoke to me in a way that I’d never heard listening to it all these years. I’ll try to break it down.
I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way.
Show them all the beauty they posses inside.
My first thought here was about reflecting and healing my inner child. Lil Keva was the cutest, bashful, and kindest girl you’d ever meet. She ultimately still leads the way today. Because she’s sensitive and has a big heart, she could have used extra care and attention. Nonetheless she’s was the most unproblematic and independent so according to everyone, she was good.
Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone who fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
And so I learned to depend on me
I never had a hero, and besides my grandma who I saw on occasion and some weekends but I didn't really have a person. At a young age, I learned that it was going to be me and my ambition. No one was coming to save me.
I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I'll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
And so said, so done. I forged a path on my own. I did my best and no matter what the outcome was, I remained satisfied the living my truth.
I’m a lover. There isn’t anyone I hate. I forgive easily and am genuinely understanding. An empath if you will. It’s ironically my greatest strength and worst weakness. Over the past two years in therapy, I’ve learned to implement boundaries. Hard at first, but necessary to protect myself.
I’ve had my share of upsets, and heartbreaks from both family and loved ones and I’ll admit it—they’ve taken my energy, my time, and my peace but when it comes down to it, they could never take away my sense of being. The confidence I have in myself to bounce back from anything is godly and it keeps me grounded. I’ve never resorted to hate, violence, or resentment. I’ve always remained compassionate and tolerant. It’s just not my character and I am really proud of that.
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all
And if, by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love
This is where I'm at now. Loving myself unconditionally is the foundation of the strength and peace I have now.
I'll finish here. Go to therapy and listen to the Greatest Love of All. ❤️
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